Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night during some role play my wife dressed up as Lara Croft. The effort was nice but she reminded me more of a fridge raider.

   Scientists have discovered a human jawbone that is over 2 million years old. They believe it belonged to a woman as it was still f-kin moving.

   I was awarded the title of "Saddest Man in the World". I was so happy about it they took it off me...

   I was chatting to a girl in a club last night. She said to me, "Can I have your mobile number?" I said, "No way, I've had that number for years".

   Money talks, and unfortunately mine only can say "goodbye!"

   Its not insomnia. I choose to be awake.

   wondering who paid $40000 for a lock of Justin biebers hair. Maybe a paedophile wants to use the DNA to clone him.

   going to Hawaii. I'm so excited. I havent been there since the last time I was there.

   so excited! Theres only one more sleep til I'm awake again. Can't wait.

   there a better scream-along song than Journey's Don't Stop Believin'?

   For some reason, girls don't like it when you grab their hair, make a whipping motion, and say 'mush.' Go figure.

   FACEBOOK is the second most popular word that starts with "F" and ends with "K" ; )

   Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.

   What's drinking? A mere pause from thinking!

   If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.

   If evolution is true, apes would still be evolving into humans.

   snoop dog is now an active member on nickelodeon. GREAT! if my son is walkin around with a cane and a purple jump suit with a blunt hangin out his face when hes 12 i'll know why.

   Who ever said, " nothing is impossible!" never tried nailing jello to a tree.

   "What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?" "You can't make a vitamin..."

   With all the money Charlie Sheen makes, he should just buy CBS & rename it CharlieSheenBS! I'd watch everyday!!