Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?"

   Everyone's self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse

   silence is golden, but duct tape is all kinds of cool colors now!

   just watched the new gay television series "leave it to beiber"

   just because the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, doesn't mean its not fake field turf.

   Car manufacturers need to get with the program! I can't be the only one that wants a Death Ray option.

   Grand Theft Auto is the only sourse in which I am able to express myself freely without any consequences

   My Take on Glee: So it's people singing, dancing, and having sex, all with a guy in a wheelchair watching. Kinda like an orgy at Larry Flynt's house.

   custom fitted, custom kitted, wood grain, custom errything, whats that on the seat? custom mustard stain.

   Silence is golden, but Duct tape is silver.

   I love listening to my neighbor talk about his four year degree and when he's done I say...can you supersize that, then drive up to the pick up window.

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   Love is like a glass door… Sometimes you don't see it and it smacks you right in the face.

   Considering the millions of people using Facebook... someone somewhere must be typing the same word at the same time as I am... so... JINX!

   I'm thinking about going out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought and nearly died for my right to party...

   Blackberries are like girls, they only work when you rub one little button. iPhones are like men. One touch, anywhere and they respond.

   "Relationships - are for ugly people!" - Charlie Sheen

   If you had to go without sex and wear ugly clothes you'd be nun to happy too.

   Shirt tail under chin, shorts around ankles, both hands on pecker.......I just "little boy" peed

   You do the work of three people......Larry, Moe and Curly.