Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a sign on the lawn in front of a 7-11 the other day, It read "Stay off the grass". I thought it was a weird place for a "Say no to drugs" message.

   U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one Fish cant Drown.

   If love isn't a game, then why are there so many players ?

   All kids are gifted; some just open their packages earlier than others.

   The worst way to miss someone, is to have them sitting right next to you & you know you can never have them.

   The mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open.

   Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

   Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you're in trouble.

   We have fought for our freedom, then we begin to accumulate laws to take it away from ourself.

   Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.

   A beautiful night is when you hug your teddy and go to sleep, but a horror night is when your teddy hugs you back!!!! =)

   A man who never experienced fear has never seen his wife 40 pounds overweight.

   Why do they call it common sense if it's so rare?

   An optimist is a person that falls off the empire state building and after 50 floor says so far so good!

   I did 26 situps this morning. It's not a lot, but then again how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock?

   Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

   One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you cant say out loud.

   There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.

   If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

   As a girl walks into a typical club, she mentally prepares to be hit on by everything with a penis.