Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst way to miss someone, is to have them sitting right next to you & you know you can never have them.

   The mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open.

   Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

   Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you're in trouble.

   We have fought for our freedom, then we begin to accumulate laws to take it away from ourself.

   Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.

   A beautiful night is when you hug your teddy and go to sleep, but a horror night is when your teddy hugs you back!!!! =)

   A man who never experienced fear has never seen his wife 40 pounds overweight.

   Why do they call it common sense if it's so rare?

   An optimist is a person that falls off the empire state building and after 50 floor says so far so good!

   I did 26 situps this morning. It's not a lot, but then again how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock?

   Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

   One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you cant say out loud.

   There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.

   If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

   As a girl walks into a typical club, she mentally prepares to be hit on by everything with a penis.

   Sheen 2012! Because there's nothing more bipartisan than tiger blood

   I heard the gas companies are going to be changing the grades of gasoline from regular, mid-grade, and supreme to tall, grande and venti...

   You don't just turn your swag on, you either got it or you don't.

   I've decided to get rid of my bad habits...just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.