Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Am I the only one who watches prescription drug commercials and while they are listing the side effects like, dementia, loss of vision, and thoughts of suicide, suddenly think of an ex?

   I can't even take a picture these days without someone yelling at me, "You better not put that on Facebook!"

   Intelligence is like underwear: It's important to have it, but you don't have to show it off...

   Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free? 'Cause you get what you pay for, that's why.

   Jed Clampett needs to go shootin for some food again. Black Gold, Texas Tea.

   I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?

   I'm Irish, give me a liver.

   The snow is always lighter on the other side of the road

   The rest of the world uses Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. I just learned some girl I hated in high school likes her new pedicure.

   I remember that one time, before Facebook, when I went outside and did stuff.

   My neighbors keep listening to the same song over and over again…..whether they like it or not…..

   There should be a Breast Cancer Awareness T-shirt that says "Yes they're fake! My real one's tried to kill me!"

   Earlier I saw a guy wearing "Skinny Jeans" waiting at a crosswalk, so I decided to gas it for two main reasons. First I refuse to stop & wait on any guy wearing "Skinny Jeans" & Secondly If he walked out in front of me I would be doing the world a favor!

   Breaking News: Tigers around the world have united to argue the point that Charlie Sheen must be on illegal drugs. They claim that they have tiger's blood flowing in their veins and they don't act that crazy.

   I had my dose of monday Tiger Blood, but I broke my freaking dragon tooth.

   it's Monday everyone, hope you've had your Tiger's Blood!

   just rolled a huge joint out of my harvard rejection letter...life is grand.

   hey home school kid, go into the home economics class and get me a beer.

   Producers say 2-1/2 men won't go with out Charlie Sheen, I bet that makes that other guy and that kid feel good.

   Put down the Charlie Sheen magnifying glass, and pick up the mirror.