Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Music is like candy. Throw away the rappers.

   The front desk had an add on the TV that said just call them with any request to make your stay more enjoyable. So I did, jeez they didn't have to get so upset..

   I've decided to give up fluorescent lighting for lent...oh, and chairs...maybe I'll throw in desks too, along with office cubicles and work phones...hope my boss understands my religious beliefs...

   I have life moments when all I can do is stop and say "Seriously?"

   When cocaine wants to get high it does a line of Charlie Sheen.

   I lost my Viagara down the toilet....Now I have hard water!

   I hear drinking wet cement can get you really stoned!!

   Justin Bieber's first name isn't really Justin... all his previous boyfriends nicknamed him that for some small reason.

   Today marks the anniversary of the death of The Notorious BIG. Dinner tonight will consist of t-bone steak, cheese, eggs and Welch's grape.

   If you think I talk too much, let me know. We can talk about it.

   If you can't afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don't know where you are!

   I don't have an attitude problem. I have an attitude that you have a problem with. Therefore, I just have an attitude!

   The moment someone tells you that you're not good enough is the moment you know you're better than them.

   Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

   Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.

   Excellent time to become a missing person.

   Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones.

   If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

   I got kicked out of the Casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table

   Some people should really consider giving up AIR for Lent... just sayin'