Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People will always have an opinion about you. Whether positive or negative. They will tell you to your face or behind your back. Do what makes you happy. Live your life to the fullest. Life is too short to worry about someone's opinions.

   We were not created! We evolved! Religion is for people who can't comprehend such a thing.

   Rough draft for fb: If men were as flexible as dogs, wives would make their husbands wear cones or they'd never go to work.

   It's bad when I feel I need to carry a rape whistle with me when I go to the gas station!

   Drunk text etiquette: don't text anything you wouldn't say in the light of day. Nothings worse than the digital walk of shame.

   I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

   learned that smiling suppresses the gag reflex... and some people wonder why I smile so much around them

   I would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   Everybody's human - everybody makes mistakes. If you laugh it off and keep going and try to give it your best the next time around, people respect that.

   updated itunes, I don't think I need any tutorials on listening to music.

   I want to name my dog Stains..... so when I call for him to come inside, I can yell "Come Stains!" ......and see how many neighbors give me dirty looks.

   When the hell did I get drunk and married to Google? I can barely get a word out now before it tries to finish my sentence...

   I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   Born free. Now, I'm expensive.

   wondering what name do atheists call out in bed?

   I call bulls*** on killing someone with kindness... that "kindness" crap won't even maim someone.

   I was thinking of donating to the sperm bank, they pay good money actually.. I can't believe how much money I've let slip through my fingers.

   If someone says, "why do bad things happen to good people?" Tell them that only happened once in history --- and He volunteered. Happy Easter everyone.

   Did you know? When you say 'beer can" in a British accent you're also saying "bacon" in a jamaican accent.