Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you get pulled over for speeding say: "Two wrongs don't make a right officer. How fast did you have to go to catch up to me?"

   Just gunna stand there and steal my fries...? But thats alright because I love your massive thighs...

   The only person I'm better than is the person I was yesterday.

   I bet when the guy who wrote the Seinfeld bass theme is feeling blue, he gets out his bass and plays that riff.

   what would you say if a guy walks in for an interview without a shirt, and I hired him... what would you say?......... he must of had on some really nice pants.

   You can tell a lot about a person by how many times they hit re-fresh...

   We can get a man to the moon, but somehow we can't manufacture the head of a car wash broom to stay on....

   I never wear cologne to an important meeting. I bench an old fridge 10x & let my jungle pheromones show them who's boss.

   Arriving to an event in a Hummer limo is a great way to let everyone know you have herpes.

   just picking up a little bit of the green eyed monster from our colonial cousins,just stick to what you do best and slag your own leaders off,we have trees older than your country ,so just wind your neck in junior. !!

   She said "there's plenty of girls, why me?" I said "cuz you r stupid enough to think it's just u!" :)

   Life is not about what you wanna do, it's about what you can do...

   The people of England paid a heavenly price for the wedding of Cap'n Crunch ,. and didnt even get a lousy t-shirt...

   just saw a beautiful pregnant woman on crutches. He immediately has a deeply ingrained lifetime fetish.

   Adding the word "haha" to make the statement not so serious.

   just found 2 new nooks and 7 new crannies on his grandmother this morning.

   Men, if the Royal wedding has taught you one thing: Going bald doesn't matter as long as you own a Palace.

   Looking forward to the royal divorce.

   Today was brought to you by redbull. Lots and lot of redbull.

   In honor of the Royal wedding coinciding with the release of Fast 5...I liveth my days one furlong at a time. For that fortnight or less, I possess the greatest freedom.