Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

   The wagon of love breaks down under the weight of baggage from the past.

   Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. What's next ? Marriage without sex?

   The sincerest form of flattery is a steamroller

   To all those that like to take pics in their bathroom mirrors, clean up the bathroom first!

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you're fired"

   "Hey there, little fella!" -First words said by every guy finishing liposuction surgery.

   Now days its Interesting how all Bar Debates end up on Google without a Fight

   Dear fourth grader on Facebook: How are you in a complicated relationship? What did they do? Steal your animal crackers?

   USA - "Dad can I borrow a few trillion dollars?" England - "...Ask your mother" China - "Hell no I'm not giving you any money!! You'll just let your government friends waste it all on gambling.

   I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.

   Its been 8 minutes since anyone has posted anything new... What r you b*tches planning and why wasnt I invited...

   I'm going to sign my gf up for Hoarders, she must have been saving her emotional and mental bullsh!t until we got together

   Tried to leave a voicemail for my mom but she picked up. I was forced to drop my phone into my gf's purse and shake it around for 10 minutes.

   Smurfs-v-Snorks on the Deadliest Warrior......make it happen.

   ____ is thankful that I don't have a "swear jar" today. That son-of-a-b!tch would be filled right to the top.

   "GET YOUR ASS IN LINE"...~House Speaker John BOEhner's statement to fellow Republicans....I suspect a flurry of worker's comp claims.

   Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don't stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."

   Most men discover that they've crossed the line from flirty to creepy five years too late.

   I dont think I'll ever be able to eat bugles with out first putting them on my fingers and roaring first