Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HEY! Dude at the crosswalk, hitting that button repeatedly doesn't make the light change any faster. STOP DOING THAT!

   Today someone asked me how I would react if someone jumped off a bridge. I laughed and said,"depends on who it is that jumped!!"

   Open Google Maps (Get Directions) 2: Type China as your starting point 3: Type Taiwan as your destination. 4: Read step 48

   My doctor e-mailed me asking if I knew my “blod group”. I replied, “typo.”

   Why does everyone say my name like it means “Shut Up”?

   Boys night out,my friends are great..we all know how to really party! :thanks -jack daniels,jim bean,jose cuervo,jimmy walker

   They truly don't make movies like they use too...When I was a kid movies had values, morals and ethics...And without these great movies how would I have ever known that I "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead"...

   If you cross the N. Korean border illegally, you get 12yrs. hard labor. If you cross the Afghanistan border illegally, you get shot. If you cross the U.S. border illegally you get a job, a driver's license, food stamps, a place to live, and health care.

   The people that doubt you are usually the ones that know you can succeed.

   you are probably not as cool as you think, if you use the word "HELLA" trying to make a funny comment!

   made an observation at the drug store today. There's an aisle that pretty much sums up the phases of life in products. Diapers, condoms, and adult diapers. From peeing in your pants, to lots of sex, then, back to peeing in your pants.

   If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.

   NEVER take fashion advice from someone who wears CROCS!!!

   My couple friends just keep me around so that when they fight they can refer to me to remind them how awful & lonely it is to be single.

   Tonight is a Jim Croce night. I most definitely will be spending some time in a bottle!

   The lil bro said he heard a noise in his closet so he wanted me too do a monster check just to make sure...So I did even tho I tried to explain that if the monster is in the closet hes probably not that scary...maybe a lil glittery...but not scary

   You know when you are about to say something but that little voice of reason prevents you from it. Explain this to me, people like you fascinate me.

   This lady with a black eye keeps trying to talk to me. But I'm not going to respond because it's pretty apparent she doesn't listen.

   Shark Week. I'd rather watch Loan Shark Week. That would be interesting to watch, and probably just as badass.

   They're remaking Mr. Rogers with a animated tiger? o: