Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture in there.

   Some open minds should be closed for repairs.

   I understand the concept of cooking and cleaning but now how it applies to me.

   I can leap off tall buildings in a single bound, but only once.

   You can take a hint or you can take a hike... But you are not taking my heart.

   Why is it when I go to McDonalds they ask if I want ketchup and they give me one packet for for my large fries. I go to Taco Bell they ask if I want hot sauce and I get sixteen packets for two tacos.

   Never say never......or too much......or schumoblagaghadazjy, because that's hard to pronounce and doesn't mean anything.

   ..... Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire ...... especially in the U. S. Congress!!

   "Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts."

   If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest dammit! KNEES TO CHEST!

   I wanna steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase cuz I think it'll be funny watching a bunch of cops chasing a donut truck

   Did you know if you hit someone really hard with a hammer, they IMMEDIATELY start planking?

   One packet of Kool-Aid 10 cents, one pitcher to put the Kool-Aid $2.00, drinking all the Kool-Aid and putting the almost empty container back in the fridge and having the wife blame and b*tch out the kids for it, PRICELESS

   Just got this DVD "Hot And Horny Housewives Do Anal 3". Do you think I will understand what's going on if I've not seen 1 and 2?

   Key to a long relationship: keep the fights clean and the sex dirty

   I'm feeling kind of heavenly today, I just turned water into Kool-Aid.

   If you never seen it with your own eyes, or heard it with your own ears. Don't think it in your tiny brain, and spread it with your big mouth.

   I think some people should have two Facebook pages. One for each face.

   Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire

   Facebook should have a who cares button.