Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   20 years ago no one knew what gluten was. Now there are like three people left in the world who can eat a bagel

   If I get one more poke, I'm going to need some plumber's putty.

   If you don't think this quarantine has changed people, I just want to point out that it turned Jake from State Farm black...

   * He has put his foot in his mouth so often, that his foot bone spurs has transferred to his brain and that is why he can not act rationally.

   Wonder if the cure to the Coronavirus can be found in the Tupperware container in the back of my refrigerator?

   At the store today, there was an X for me to stand on...heck no....I've seen way too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that crap.

   After spending weeks in the house with my family during the quarantine, I now see Jack Nicholson's side of things in the Shining.

   Pro Tip: If you wear a face mask your coworkers can't smell the alcohol on your breath.

   An agnostic is just an atheist who is hedging his bets.

   Look on the bright side parents, at least now you have an excuse not to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese.

   I cannot believe all of these people are out! -Me when I’m out

   Mother's Day is over, back to making sandwiches.

   It's hard to stay in your lane when your life is an endless multi-lane highway.

   If you can't look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you probably still are.

   I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.

   I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.

   “How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.

   Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

   Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids.

   my left ovary feels sore. like it was working out. I guess I would say its ovary active.