Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never look back unless you're planning to go that way

   Everyone in life has a purpose, even if it's to serve as a bad example

   Dave's girlfriend left him today. She said it was because Dave wouldn't stop talking in the third person.

   Gerbil owner? Add an element of surprise to your pets day by placing a bowl of ready Brek in it's cage, covered in sawdust and then placing a sign nearby saying "danger quicksand"

   joined a nudist colony last week........the first few days were the hardest!

   My ex-girlfriend sent me a message last night saying "I'm at a major c0ckfest". I guess this is her way of making me jealous, jokes on her I don't even like c0ck.

   My girlfriend told me yesterday, "You only ever hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied. "I have been working out."

   I've had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver

   You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.

   Pro Tip: When one of your roomies is having a fight with his girlfriend, always take sides with the girl - that way you'll get first shag if they split.

   No Ma'am, Wireless-G isn't a rapper.

   My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker, Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

   I hope you have pet insurance because I'm about to destroy your p*ssy.

   My bro thought putting holes in my condoms was funny, funny thing is now his girl is pregnant..

   It doesn't matter what other people think, as long as you know the truth then that's all that matters

   I don't mind drinking 1% milk as long as the other other 99% is some combination of vodka and Kahlua.

   Why did the girl cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we were at three hours ago.

   Two guys are in a gym locker room, one is putting on lace thong. "Since when do you wear women's thongs?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

   I hate Fridays that aren't payday. Sometimes this day makes me wish I had a Viking Helm so I could walk into the payroll office and yell "It's MY money and I need it nooooow!!!"

   "When life handed ME lemonaid I turned it into Hard Lemonaid"- Mike