Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now a days I noticed that kids are eating their boogers. Not once have I ever looked at my own slimy snot when I was kid and thought it looked scrumptious.

   Recently engaged, now I gotta hold in my farts til we get married.

   Why are there some skinny girls modeling jeans on a Lane Bryant commercial?!

   honey, I gained some weight...now call me Mr. flintsone I can make your bed rock.

   Since when did snuck become sneaked, dreamt become dreamed, learnt become learned? What's next, kept become keeped, hung become hanged? Men like to be well hung, not well hanged.

   Chaz Bono doesn't have the balls to be a Male ball room dancer..

   Metaphorically Speaking...Beware of those self-absorbed people that are more concerned with the scratch on their car than the people in the car they hit

   sharing is caring, but I don't care

   Milky way is Snicker's nutless gay little brother.

   Omg.. Now they have cars you can plug into the wall.. Greeeaaat.. Just can't wait to hear.. "Goin shopping.. remind me to plug my car in.."

   OH NICE, so you can update your status via mobile, but you can't text me back?

   Every time I lose my phone, it's always on either silent or vibrate. How convenient…

   Of course you can trust the government. Just ask a Native American how that worked out.

   Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle

   Reading someone's status and thinking ‘OH CRY ME A RIVER'

   Dear Eminem, Not only did you steal our name but we're both black on the inside too. Sincerly, M&M'S

   I will NEVER understand Twitter..Wtf is a tweet?! I'll Stick with My Facebook.. So take your #sign an Shove it up ur a$$!

   If my Grandad were alive and on FB he'd be posting the same 9 or 10 stories over and over and as much as that would drive me crazy I would give anything to see his smile and "like" his posts today.

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

   When I was a boy all I ever wanted was super sized tree house and a Jetson style Jetpack. But then my desires became more grown up over the years and now all I want is some dancing Hamsters from the Kia Soul commercials