Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No offence but, Jesus was an underpaid carpenter before he decided to become a full-time messiah.

   People with little or no education love to argue the most.

   Woke up this morning and turned the T.V. on to find out I now have 3,000,000 channels! I'm not sure who put that satellite on my roof but thanks!

   just bought a toilet brush, gee that thing hurts so I'll just stick with the toilet paper

   That uneasy moment when you realise Facebook has made more CHANGES than OBAMA.

   I'm not into sports, but I'll watch women's beach volleyball if it's on.

   Love is pain, and anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell you something.

   You know your in the south when you can get your fried chicken and gas at the same store...

   I'm so gangster, I don't even send an error report to Microsoft when Internet Explorer unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches.

   She said describe me in one word. I replied, "MINE"

   Does anyone have a good marinade recipe for Spotted Owl?

   Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.

   Q. What causes men to cheat? A. Women

   Honk if you love a peaceful and quiet drive.

   Nobody ever notices what you do at work but they sure as he!! notice when you don't do it.

   "Luke, I am your Father...and your Uncle"- Redneck Darth Vader

   Putting on & taking off skinny jeans should be an Olympic sport.

   It's one hell of a crime if you're ugly with a bad attitude at the same time.

   MEN: Stop lying about what you do.. WOMEN: Stop lying about what you don't.

   I always pretend to see the babies in the Ultra-sound.