Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How did the American Cross the Road? A Cop dragged her there by the hair

   Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

   Watching your ex down grade, Oh what a lovely feeling.

   I heard you are a PLAYA. Nice to meet you, I am the COACH.

   Rotisserie Chicken..a morbid Ferris-wheel for chicken...spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water...That's right… I LIKE MY CHICKEN DIZZY!!!

   HEADLINE: "American stranded in Ukraine in online dating scam" - I am just glad I have never needed a date this bad.

   Hey....Admit it, everyone has a little bit of racism in them. When you do laundry, I bet you all separate the colored from the whites......

   Another way for a guy to confess his virginity to a woman is to tell her he follows Justin Bieber on Twitter.

   Everyone wants to be Black but no one wants Black problems.

   The Pill, the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   When I am sad, I think of you- I then realize that my life is still better then yours.

   A Real Boyfriend will make sure he wears protection when Cheating.

   You know you are a complete loser when you are doing hard time for shoplifting in the dollar store.

   S W A G – [S]omething [W]e [A]$$holes [G]ot.

   Broke chicks always know exactly what kind of Men they want BUT never know what kind of Man DON'T want their destitute a$$!

   Shout out to all the fat people that are hungry for success.

   Damn girl..you look like you know how to have a good time...at a buffet.

   Women don't trust Men, not because they cheat but because they know how scandalous and shady other Women are!

   I wish you could pick a brand of car, and every few years you'd get an upgrade. Like with phones.

   Sometimes I read status updates on Facebook and wonder “How am I friends with them?”