Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I could see myself from a woman's perspective.

   The cat stole my chair but I didn't want to move him because he looked so comfy so all I could do was pepper-spray him right in the face.

   Crap, out of toliet paper again..send help

   if Darth Vader was really black would he have admitted to being Luke's father?

   Cain's plan: Nine, nine, nine. OBama's plan: none,none,none.

   I bet the bright side gets really sick of being looked at.

   I smashed my finger today, "just glad it wasn't my "Have a nice day" finger

   about to go eat me some vegetables ... which according to Congress is now a pizza

   Coming soon: Turkey!

   Sometimes I wish I really was the last man on Earth, just to see if all those women really were serious...

   Think about this. Somebody in the world right now couldn't imagine life without you. That alone should give you the strength to smile.

   children are God's way of punishing us for having sex.

   Ever notice the fine print on car commercials? In big print it's "Starting at $18,995", and in fine print "As shown, $420,000"

   Chinese hackers are breaking into fortune cookie printers and changing the lucky numbers to unlucky ones

   I don't know where you got your opinion, but I hope you kept the receipt.

   Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places

   I am probably going to start my Christmas shopping this weekend. I am not sure which place is better, the Dollar Store, or the 99 Cent store.

   What is air is actually poisonous and it just takes 80 years to kills us.

   Has sex like a Ninja! I'm so quick you never knew I was there!!!

   not every pony grows up to be a Pegasus