Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That runaway oil well in the Gulf of Mexico continues to gush about 200,000 gallons of oil a day. To put that into perspective: That's the equivalent of about ten buckets of K.F.C.

   Police found the device in a smoking Nissan Pathfinder. Thank God it was a Nissan. If it had been a Toyota, you know it would have blown up.

   not goin bald....im just gettin more head!

   24 beers in a case... 24 hours in a day... is that a coinsidence???

   finds is dam funny that Chris Brown sang the American anthem at one of the biggest boxing matches in 5 years...

   Saw Jack B. Nimble today at the candlestick store. Don't know why he has to jump over those things! Seems too risky.

   Don't you wonder why people look back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to talk back or laugh at them.

   everybody needs sex. we need stories to tell are friends. Like "the prostitute gave the money back... no lie."

   Donate an organ and give your heart to Jesus

   a instant human.........just add coffee

   Considering the fact that god is the creator of everything....Does that mean he's chinese then.... ??

   Did you know your Index finger is a perfect fit for your nostril?

   I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

   Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

   im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

   he let me duct tape his mouth because I said it was my fetish, I really just wanted him to shut up

   you can't fix ugly with makeup

   I felt sorry the hypnotist I saw last night He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot & yelled "F*ck me!".. What happened next will haunt me forever!

   Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

   confused...the system admin told me to 'have a little patients.' Does this mean I need to become a pediatrician?