Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm scouring the periodic table for the element of surprise. I'm more anxious than the AZ Governor in a Cinco de Mayo parade.

   33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands... 67% of pets say this crazy lady won't shut the hell up...

   You know what's horrible? Accidentally seen your parents "doing it". I will NEVER go to THAT website again!

   thinks Captain Planet and the Planeteers need to go save the Gulf of Mexico.

   The world`s thinnest book entitled `What Woman Want has only one word written in it,""Everything"!

   Tito must be taking relationship lessons from Van Damme

   If I was a pirate, instead of having a stupid hook for one hand, I'd upgrade to some cooler attachments, like a blender, maybe a small cannon, some hedge trimmers etc.

   The fact that I can buy a song while on the toilet using my phone means no one is really working on cancer, are they?

   has the brains of a horse and is hung like Einstein.

   73% of men don't know what a cookie is. But 99% know how to delete them.

   Ladies if another girl steals your boyfriend, there's no better revenge but to let her keep him

   She was looking through the Chinese phone book earlier. There are so many Wings and Wongs. It must be so easy to Wing a Wong number.

   Some Women say they spend alot of money on makeup to make them look pretty, they also say we spend alot of money on beer but what they dont know is that its also to make them look pretty.

   Finally at my _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡

   I don't like to think myself as 'Special' I like to think myself as limited edition

   was born cool, but global warming made me hot!

   My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' S

   It took a movie like Blindside and Jesse James' cheating ways for Sandra Bullock to decide to adopt a black baby.

   wonders how crowded the Cinco de Mayo parades will be this year throughout Arizona.

   note to self: even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal. o_o