Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kan yu knot spel?

   wondering who put a quarter in the hillbilly...shut up already.

   a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

   I'm not saying I don't get my fair share of fiber...but it's like trying to push a tennis ball down a Velcro lined tube.

   saw the HILLYBILLY that won the lottery bought a new car - and transfered his bumper sticker "PROUD FATHER of my NEPHEW"

   -- I saw a kid earlier with a hairy face and horrible beady eyes.......Saying that, I suppose it's normal for a goat...

   Remembers a conversation with my X – she asked, “John what would our Brangelena name be as a couple” - I said, “Junt”

   Ezekiel 25:17 "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his

   I was in the nany for about 40 minutes until they kicked me out. Turns out the poop deck isn't what I thought it was. Man were they angry.

   thinks she settled the argument over whether you refer to a carbonated beverage as "soda, pop, or Coke"....it's "chaser!"

   After hearing someone just ramble on and on on the phone or in person, don't you just wish they would become verbally impotent?

   if i'd have killed her when I met her, I'd be out of jail by now.

   My gf says I never listen to her (or something like that)

   working, and having short Facebook breaks... but is now on Facebook with short work breaks... much more fun!

   I have a six pack which I wanna show off at the beach this summer it was too blady long in the fridge.

   Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

   facebook is having its epic fail at this very moment!

   Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

   How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?

   A man is the head of the family and the wife is the neck. The neck turns the head exactly the way it wants.