Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   needs a shirt that says "Relax! It's not Swine Flu, it's just my allergies.

   wishes I had a stunt double to get me through the rest of this day.

   would like to thank Facebook for reacquainting me not just with old friends but also with people I never liked much in the past and for reminding me why in the present.

   "Women are made to be loved, not understood." - Oscar Wilde

   Dishes done....check.....laundry folded....check.....kids in bed.....check. And my wife says I am emasculated! Maybe I should look it up in the dictionary to see what it really means....

   If you're not living on the edge you're taking too much space

   To all the single mothers out there.......KEEP YA HEAD UP, cuz ain't no man worth your time down there....

   picking all the W's out of their M & M's, gosh, there's just so many! :/

   survey: Would you rather be a ginormous hampster or a tiny rhinocerous?

   My parents were very patriotic disciplinarians: they laid stripes and I saw stars.

   It's is time for a Facebook Friend Trust Test...Stand up and fall back and I will catch you. By the way, the Facebook Trust Test will be immediate be followed by the Facebook Moron Test.

   If aliens landed & saw Glenn Beck, they'd be like, "Oh, he has a show here too?"

   According to Apple, 300,000 people did not have sex this weekend.

   Just ONE Saturday night I'd like to go without drunk-dialing Barbara Walters.

   Sarah Palin probably thinks Obama's drilling plan doesn't go far enough in terms of wrecking the environment.

   I wonder if the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks by claiming all his appendages were "elephant-sized".....

   Ricky Martin has answered the question, "Are you gay?". But for many, another question remains: "Who's Ricky Martin?"

   The most stunning thing about Obama's nuclear announcement was that we have a President who can pronounce "nuclear."

   I could never bring myself to kill....however, I do have a list of some pretty sweet hiding spots.

   Which is the best new slur for hipsters: Fauxhemian or Doucheoisie? I'm thinking Doucheoisie.