Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SO....we got Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Ben Roethlisberger, John Edwards, Chris Brown, John Mayer, and now Tiki Barber...Anybody else I missed?

   Naps are like good songs, they're never long enough.

   Wow! That shirt is hideous!!! It really compliments your face.

   I didn't know how talented I was...I can sneeze and piss at the same time... :(

   dont get married just find a woman you hate and buy her a house

   I don't see why people have to say in thier status they they are getting in the shower. I don't want to picture your bare fat behind in the shower!

   Make sure your car windows are working properly when you decide to let a big one out.

   Breaking News: Tiger Woods withdraws from the masters after the first hole. At a news conference he claims he dropped out because he's a one hole man now......

   GOOD for these men cheating. Maybe their wives should be taking care of bizniz @ home!!!

   The worst feeling in the world is when you hear someone with heels heading your direction, sounding like a real hot babe, only to find out its either some old hag or a guy with coowboy boots on, fml!

   so since Obama is president, does that make it an obamanation?

   Breakfast was going well until that creepy new Tiger Woods commercial with his late father's voice came on... now I'm just playing with my oatmeal.

   I'm turning 40 tomorrow. My new pose pics will be the "cougar claw", no more peace signs for me.

   ::Phone rings:: Hello Russia... yeah its USA. Hey wanted to know if we could hitch a ride up to the ISS next month on your shuttle..... Oh, ok, yeah, we understand..... Sure, maybe next time. No worries, we'll find another ride. =/

   ah yes nothing like waking up today sneezing my a$$ off only to look outside to see my clean van covered in a nice yellow layer of plants' sperm.

   So my mom just got her citizenship and she wants to change her name to Bunny!!? WTF. I'm dreading the day when I have to introduce her to my fiance. Mom seriously just keep your 10 letter hard to prounounce Asian name!

   --- Just bought the girlfriend a solar powered vibrator....Seeing as the sun shines out of her a** it should save me a fu**ing fortune on batteries.......

   When I say I drive like lightning,it's not because I drive fast. It's because I hit a lot of trees.

   has served enough burnt offerings at dinner that my husband is beginning to think he's a god.

   Tiger Woods is doing so well at the Master's, you might think he was cheating!