Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A dress is like a barbed wire fence. It protects the premises without obstructing the view.

   doesn't get upset at broken promises; I just think, why did they believe me?

   just had a moment of genius, a chocolate Easter bunny that is filled with the Cadbury Cream Egg filling......YUMMMM!!!

   the most confident when naked, too bad I can't be naked in front of my interviewers.

   Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you.

   At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.

   I feel pretty lucky. Thousands of people die every day and it's never me.

   No one is listening until you fart.

   When I'm on the phone, I like to press the buttons and say "Would you please stop doing that!"

   I just put child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards. Now let's see those kids get out of there.

   If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

   Research says laughter can lengthen your life and smoking shortens it. So, I always chuckle between puffs.

   A horse told me not to drive home last night.I think there was a cop on top of it.

   tends to seek forgiveness later rather than ask for permission now.

   ahh young love.Full of promise,full of hope.Ignorant of reality.Not all guys can turn into vampires n watch you sleep at night..am jus sayin.

   ..thinks a toaster should give some sort of an indication when it's going to pop instead of scaring the crap out of me when it does!!

   This is not the greatest status message in the world. No this is just a tribute!

   just because I rock doesnt mean I'm made of stone

   did my taxes yesterday.. seemed like a perfectly legitimate way to defraud the Government

   I never realized how much I cuss until I had to add all those 4 letter words to my phones dictionary. I am not ducking crazy, piece of shirt !