Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it you never crave Chick-Fil-A until it's Sunday...the one day they're NOT open?

   My baby just did something so smart that I'm thinking of ordering a maternity test

   - My mates were arguing over whether a glass was half empty or half full. So I took the glass and put the contents into a smaller glass. Problem f***ing solved...

   just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Now he's slipping into a Snuggie and playing with his Mighty Putty.

   Right now, my bracket is like a drunken one-night stand: sloppy but still doable....

   The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

   Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred...

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to farmville sydrome and turn you into a annoying tool

   I saw a sign on the back of a dump truck that said: "Happiness is getting your load off."

   convinced that if people really follow their dreams no one would get anything done 'cause people would just be having sex with everyone everywhere.

   I saw some drunk guy chasing his shadow down the street screaming "Give me back my wallet."

   If the outside is so great, why has man spent hundreds of years perfecting inside.

   Picking up dog poo in the dark is like playing the worst kind of Where's Waldo imaginable

   Some people should have a glass bellybutton so when they get their heads so far up their asses, they can see out!

   Can you imagine all the wierd stuff that would going on in the world if everyone who was "following their dreams," did so after one of those late night spicy pizza dreams?

   Dont have phone sex You might get hearing aids

   you aren't as good as the rest of em till you beat the best of em

   my shoes are muddy, my knees are scraped and I lost my hat...but it was the best time i've ever had

   thinks chihuahuas are really regular size dogs in tight skin. All that made it out was their eyes! That would explain why they're so angry.

   what's the difference between frog and a horny toad? A frog says ribbit, and a horny toad says rub it!