Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you are obsessed with farmville, when your stomach is growling and you say, "Shut-up! I need to harvest!"

   Sometimes I feel like kicking you in the face ... but then again WHY should I help improve your looks?

   thinks that while many auto manufactures put the brakes on due to this global ressession, Toyota just kept on rollin'.

   (insert random song lyrics that describe how I feel, even though nobody cares)

   Stix and stones may break my bones but this shovel can knock you the f**k out!!!!!

   In the end, I will remember not the words of my enemies, but the silence of my friends.

   Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

   In just two days, tomor­row will be yes­ter­day!

   I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face

   knows that when Jack Bauer rips a lamp off the wall, it's time to guard your nipples.

   "Milk-a-what?"

   so T-Mobile calls me up and asks "what do you want for a cell phone company" ? So I tell him.... A blow up doll that doesn't fart and fly out the window when you bite her neck.......she hung up!..... I guess they didn't REALLY want to know!

   Damn!!!...If you gonna be two faced, girl, at least make one of them look pretty...!!!!!

   wonders why it is "cool" to throw up the PEACE sign in pictures? You look retarded with your head twisted to the side and holding up the peace sign...

   I don't know how to do my own taxes, but I CAN name the brand of cereal just by hearing it being poured into a bowl in the other room

   trying to apply for a Unicorn Hunting License for the state of Nebraska....but I guess they were out..........................

   Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in....

   a once your pants catch on fire, the fact that you just lied will become less important.

   Being Single Means An Empty Butter Tub Becomes An Instant Cereal Bowl. Being Single And Drunk Means Not Washing The Butter Tub First.

   I think Toyota should take Energizer's slogan, “It keeps going, and going, and going”.