Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vegans are secretly just anorexics trying to disguise it under a hippy guise of nutrition and compassion.

   I swear to drunk I am not god

   God gave me this illness to remind me that I'm not number One; he is. -Muhammad Ali (renowned World Boxing Champion)

   remembering the days when hey arnold and doug were apart of his everyday tv lineup

   So far today I've accomplished absolutely nothing - maybe I should be a politician.

   Those things on Hooter's menu that they call "boneless chicken wings" are not chicken wings without the bone. You know, I'm not even sure they're chicken! Real wings have bones in them and you get a little messy eating them, that's just the way it is.

   If I ever met Sammy Hagar, I would have to ask: "What would happen if scientists found a SECOND way to ROCK?"

   if I'm not back in five minutes.....call Obama. He'll know what to do

   I openly admit to looking at your profile. Now, please stop with all the news feed spamming app invites.

   if paper beats rock, then let me throw a rock at you while you hold up a piece of paper.

   No I havent lost my mind......i sold it on ebay!!!

   All women want is sex , while the guys just want to talk about feelings and cuddle..

   How many times can you be poked on FB before you're considered a Ho???

   I'm not sure what causes more destruction, a F5 tornado or my 5 year old daughter on a sugar buzz?

   wishing everyone a happy holiday. If your not sure what holiday it is just google March 14th.

   ┌∩┐(◣..◢)┌∩┐ father time.....for running fast when I want you to run slow(fri sat sun) and running slow when I need you to run fast(mon-fri 7am-3 pm) I lost track of 10 hours today.

   So it's mothers day and I had trouble deciding what to get my mother-in-law I couldn't choose between a Toyota Prius or a holiday in Haiti, so eventually I plumped for luging lessons in Vancouver.

   God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made MOTHERS! :)

   Man who walks through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

   honestly think Kentucky can beat a NBA team