Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The difference between women and batteries is that batteries have positive sides.

   says Men are like fish. Neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.

   Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

   I think this new diet may be a little too strick. I actually look forward to paying bills because I get to lick the envelopes.

   thinking about taking up golf to cure his sex addiction...if it worked for Tiger...

   Today is hump day right? so how come I havent been humped today??

   wondering if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

   doesn't have a girlfriend, but he does know a woman who'd be mad at him for saying that.

   My career plans were much more exciting when I was five.

   I always wanted to be somebody. Now I realize that I should have been more specific.

   would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.

   Eating all of the marshmellows out of someones Lucky Charms is the highest form of disrespect.

   Protip: when wearing a waterbra, DO NOT lift a heavy box of sheet metal. You'll either end up with a hefty lefty or a mighty righty, not to mention a gigantic wet spot.

   S.H.I.T.: So Happy It's Thursday.

   a really skilled person can flick a booger on the first try

   they always say there are more fish in the sea, they seem to forget about the crabs

   Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says~~ "Oh Crap, She's up!"

   "Ok, so we're both illiterate. I can't spell love and you can't read it."

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   has had enough depressing news about death (i.e. Cory Haim). How about some good news? Like congratulating Ted Kennedy! He's 198 days sober today!