Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   found out that due to global warming, the oceans will rise 5 meters in 5 years.I have concluded that garry coleman will die

   going bar hoping with Tiger Woods & Ben Roethlisberger.

   Ironically, it's really hard when you suffer from impotency

   was considering divorcing my wife today, as she hasn't spoken to me in 4 months, a friend told me to reconsider as women like this are very hard to find

   Friday is like a bra... You did your job all week, now it's time to take it off!... anyone need a hand??

   Pull my finger... THEN RUN LIKE HELL!!

   wonders who is good at following directions. everyone press ALT + F4

   I feel like it is going to be a great weekend to get some work done around the house, so I plan on getting up early, turning on SportsCenter and hope this feeling passes.

   Dear Mother Nature, hey, thanks [sneezes] for choosing POLLEN for plant reproduction....no, really[sneezes]....the stuff is great.....

   Have you thought about being a bit selective when uploading photos. We don't need to see the WHOLE PHOTO SESSION.

   Maybe everyone does NOT need to see 146 photos of your newborn fresh out of the placenta.

   I have many problems in my life, but my lips doesnt know them.. they always smile

   can't help but laugh when he hears jackie chan in the new karate kid say "now take jacket off"......"JACKET OFF" ......now that's subliminal messaging!

   If you die in a jihad, you get 70 virgins. Unfortunately, they're all Persian.

   i love my PC, my friends live in it

   DNA: National Dyslexic Association

   Sometimes I wake up GRUMPY; other times I let her sleep.

   On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

   just heard that despite the universal success of the iPod and the iPhone; Apple will be releasing their next gadget EXCLUSIVELY for women... It will be called the iRon.

   If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?