Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Naomi Campbell should take up golf because she's really good at hitting the driver.

   attracting success like a magnet!

   If you need space then work at NASA.

   Instead of a "See who is looking at your profile" application, the one the could be the most fun would be, "See who is online with their chat turned off."

   learnt a lesson: Hardwork leads to success and 'blame' works just as well

   Women often wonder why men drink so much. Well the answer is simple. If you're not going to make an effort to improve your appearance, someone has to

   Today my allergies came up to me, punched me in the face and said "Hi B%tch! Miss Me?"

   gonna wait until 12:01 tonight, feed some mogwais,pour water on them and then set them loose in The white house.

   's steadfast refusal to consume his meat has proven to be a significant impediment to his acquisition of pudding.

   told that he had great potential but applied himself innappropriately. To my responce....Thanks?!

   has just realised that I've been walking round the office with my flies un-done - that would now explain the 38 female friend requests then

   Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

   My son is on 11 months and can't talk but sometimes I think it's fun to imagine what he would say if he could... like this morning; I imagined him saying "Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster

   my steadfast refusal to consume his meat has proven to be a significant impediment to his acquisition of pudding, consequently I have been led to masticate upon this dictionary.

   When I said "I wanted to be held" I didn't mean "by the Authorities".

   The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

   strived his whole life to become wise. When I accomplished my goal I realized it was a big mistake because now I have to put up with idiots.

   akin it all day thinkin "dang I must look good today, everybodys checkin me out"! Come to find out...I've had a half eaten candy cane stuck to my butt all day... thanks kids!

   Will watch the Movie : 2012 in 2013