Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain

   I should really stop confusing sign language for kung-fu.

   i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers I use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today

   if you dont think everyday is a good day, just try missing one!

   The secrets of staying young is to live honestly, eat healthy, and exercise or simply lie like hell about your age.

   Today's Quote "Not every flower can say love, but a rose does. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus does. Not every retard can read... but look at you go!

   now officaly talking to Himself but somehow I hear a busy signal in my ears. I wonder if I can get Call Waiting????? Wait.... maybe it's better I don't answer myself...

   The Olympics dont matter no one will talk About It After a week

   I bet curling atheletes have dirty houses. When they get home,they must think "Screw this. I do enough sweeping at work!"

   I'm glad the tsunami wasn't bad in Hawaii. Especially the island I am from...K'monIwannalayya

   thinkin' about going out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought, and possibly died, for my right to party.

   currently experiencing technical difficulties. Giving a sh*t will resume at a later time. Thank you.

   America is full...GO HOME!

   Does Red or White Wine go better with Swedish Fish?

   If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto " ;D

   writing a book. I've got all the pages numbered. Another productive Saturday night!

   .not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every retard can read, but look at you go!

   , I asked my husband: "Do you want dinner?" My husband said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."

   When your cat suddenly runs out of the room at the speed of lightning, it was actually a failed ambush.

   I told my blonde sister I slept with a Brazilian man. My sister said," OMG, you're such a slut...how many is a brazillian?"