Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

   Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

   Earth is full. Go home.

   I won't stand for gossip. I prefer to sit down and make myself comfortable.

   I think Tiger Woods and Toyota should team up for a comeback and run an advertisement with their new motto: I swear we can stop."

   smoking crack with his pet monkey

   Stop telling me to stop drinking; even the bible says He brews.

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an App for that. It's called "respect".

   thinks Toyota should use pringles slogan: Once you start, you just can't stop

   An Apple a day keeps Windows Away ...

   I don't know what the big deal is. Rosa Parks never called shotgun.

   Drinking Heinekin Light and Eating Fat Free Doritos. Gotta get ready for beach season!

   Slutty Is The New Trend..Well Aren't You Just The Little Trend Setter?

   It's so cold out that I now have 2 bb's and a tick tack

   thinks it's funny when the kids on the paternity episodes of Maury Povich look like my friends. It's okay guys, I ain't saying a damn thing.

   I wonder, if I drive by myself, does it still count as a carpool since I'm bringing the voices in my head with me?

   For all of you out there you are so infatuated with Olympic Curling, be sure to check your local listings for the Paint Drying World Championships later this year.

   My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist.They kept fighting tooth and nail.

   No, No Darling , you 're not promiscuous , you're just a slut