Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Facebook.

   No unwilling people were harmed during the making of this status. Viewer discretion is advised

   Sometimes God turns you upside down so you can learn to live rightside up.

   a lesbian trapped in a mans body.....

   Dont sh!t where you eat...A friendly reminder brought to you by The Stop Being A Dumb@ss Association.

   in the words of the chef on the muppet show - "Orshky Borshky Chicken!"

   using a lightsaber to chop vegitables.

   doesn't have a drinking problem. He drinks. He gets drunk. He falls down. No problem...

   I woke up this morning and turned on the tv. This tv evangelist was on and he said"you may not know this, but already you have SINNED." I said what could I have done? I just woke up.I'm not even out of bed. I turned and asked my sister and she didn't know

   some people come to Facebook just to air out their "dirty laundry", others just don't know how to clean it.

   if everyone looked like their celebrity doppelganger and really matched their urbandictionary meaning, I could eat butterflies and poop rainbows.

   thinks, sex is like any other performance, i.e a stage performance. So as that you dont blow it early on in the show, you must have a rehersal before HAND so as not to leave your audience (partner) disapointed.

   thinks. Of all the places to get changed in secret, why the funk would superman choose a small box in the middle of a built up city which to be fair is mainly made up of windows.

   amazed by the fact how some symphonies can pull the string of hearts and takes one to totally different environment within seconds and making mood swings followed by lacs of chemical changes occuring in the brain

   s on a Facebook Dating Application!!.. And You Wouldn't Believe All these Celebrity Looks-A-like's that want to Hook up with me!! I'm Gonna be Dating a girl that looks like Miley Cyrus Suckahs!!"

   Liquor? I dont even like her.....

   You may attract more flies with honey. But you also attract bears. And those things can rip you to shreds!

   (̅_̅_̅(̲̲̲̲̲̅̅̅̅̅̅(̅_̅_̲̅м̲̅a̲̅я̲̅l̲̅b̲̅o̲̅r̲̅o̲̅̅ _̅_̅_̅() ڪے one of my weaknesses.

   not sexist; being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.

   I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.