Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if men had periods they would brag about the size of there tampons!!!

   when life gives you a hundred reasons to cry,show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile!!

   I feel bad for people that don't drink, because when they get up in the morning that is as good as you are going to feel all day!!

   Woke up feeling mean...the go and rent a ice cream truck, turn the music full blast and park it outside a weightwatchers meeting mean.

   To err is divine. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

   I went to the bookshop and asked "How much are your "For Dummies" books?" The guy replied "How much ya got?"

   trying to figure out how to use the three seashells.

   Double stuffed- chocolate cream filled oreos? I think someone at Nabisco has been reading my diary!!

   when you go to a Star Wars convention, the odds of getting a girl are good. But the goods are odd...

   Did you hear about the priest with a lisp? he tried logging on to Faithbook

   Just read the thermo stat and it read "Stay in the f*cking house"

   This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all

   When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands

   The diamond company "Debeers" has had some pretty interesting slogans. One year it was "Diamonds, will take her breath away.", last year it was "Diamonds will render her speechless.". I think this year it should be, "Diamonds, that'll shut her up."

   if we are ever attacked by Amazon women who just want to use men to mate with, I would sacrifice myself for you! It's just the kind of guy I am, no thanks neccesary.

   Well....looks like we got a "typical man" snow forecast....... they exaggerated about the inches and overestimated long it was going to last.

   NBC is paying Conan O'Brien 30 million dollars to do absolutely nothing. As a result, Conan has been named an honorary New York Knick.

   ▒▒broke his sta▒tus but ▒▒▒▒ a little duct tape goes▒▒ a long w▒ay....

   So there're these 'don't start forest fires' commercials telling me to get my smokey on. All I can think is "If an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and one of those ranger hats comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did