Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering; why do people on facebook, when they find a -public- photo album to someone they dont know, feel like they've won a million ???

   Eight hundred pairs of underwear were stolen from a clothing store today. The police are making a brief inquiry

   February 14, 2010 will now be known as "Singles Awareness Day. F you to all the candymakers, cardmakers, jewlers, florists, and Cupid!

   my best friend said the best sex he ever had was with a cougar......i don't even like big cats

   Just got a new dog..Named him " Stay " Freaks all our friends out when we say" Come Here...Stay "

   A little boy who had diarhea said to his mom, "I need viagra" she said for what? He said "Well isn't that what you give dad to make his sh*t hard?"

   Our boss called the office together this morning to show us where all the plug sockets are. I hate power point presentations.....

   I used to live in a pineapple under the sea. But I lost it in a forclosure. Now some yellow guy lives there.

   if it weren't for elephants and penguins, I would not be able to eat ice cream on a sailboat

   the difference between michael jackson and acne is that acne waits till your twelve to come all over your face

   trying to decide - laundry today or naked tomorrow?

   Why do people think Memento is so much better than Dude Where's My Car? They are basically the same movie.

   You know those camp grounds where you have to pay to sleep outside? I wonder if those are offensive to homeless people??

   Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a Jedi Master and use the force to open automatic doors like at walmart.

   My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

   Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

   you know that feeling when you pick your nose and it all comes out in one long string... thats how I feel right now!

   scared of fortune cookies, mine said: this message will self destruct in five seconds.

   wishes everyone involved in the Global Warming debate would all just Chill Out.

   "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost