Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For now on I'll have to make sure the bottle of KY jelly and the bottle of superglue are properly labeled. Man was that painfully awkward.

   decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, and gyrated for over an hour. Unfortunately, by the time I got the leotard ON, the class was over.

   what do you tell a woman who has two black eyes... nothing you've already told her twice!

   two cannibals are eating a clown...one says, does this taste funny to you???

   why does snoop dogg carry around an umbrella... --fo drizzle!

   The price of Voodoo has just gone up.

   Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then

   on Team Conan.

   The difference between women and girls are the price of their boy toys.

   preshents to you the ballishtic missile shubmarine Red October

   If the press in Haiti would quit complaining about how things aren't getting done, and would put their cameras & mics down and search, more people might be found!

   It takes a natural disaster in Haiti for the US government to step up and donate money and aid and go above and beyond to offer assiatnce. Yet, they are too incompetent to do the same thing in our own country.

   Sad Fact Of Life #222: No one actually needs to wear ace bandages. Wrapping some cloth around a body part doesn't do anything, except draw attention to your imaginary affliction…and your desperate need for attention.

   When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

   I see L.A. as a beautiful blonde with dirty underwear.

   Noticed this morning that I have the body of a Greek GOD! Old, obsolete, and something that no one is interested in anymore.

   sick of talking about herself in 3rd person.

   clones 2,4, & 9 are still missing. I'll check the liquor stores, and you check the porn shops. If they've gotten out of town, they'll be heading for Vegas!

   considering using braille for his banking pin number, my only worry, a blind person will figure it out...

   Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.