Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Money cant buy happiness, but at least I can pick my own misery.

   wishing God Almighty a happy birthday! They grow up so fast!

   If you can't figure out what to get someone for Christmas, get them a gift card! It's like saying, "Here's $20... go get your own damn gift!"

   The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli...

   Christ's Hope Rescuing Iniquitous Souls To Miraculously Administer Salvation!!! Thank God for Christmas!!!!

   I think I overdosed on my family.....Santa has the right idea....only visit some ppl once a year.....

   You keep Believing, I'll keep Evolving.

   thank you for the thousands and thousands of reminders letting me know what today is. Good job Thanks!! Keep me posted!

   Its Jesus' birthday yet..... we're the ones getting the gifts.....How about that.

   You keep Evolving, I'll keep Believing.

   thinks businesses that make their employees work on Christmas day are from the devil! Except for the gas stations and all of the other businesses I'm going to need today.... those ones are sent from God!

   outsmarted Santa this year... see I need coal to heat my house, so I was extra bad so I would get more coal! Now who's laughing fat guy?

   says, forgive your enemies, but remember their names.

   Ok, so now I have my coal in the pressure cooker....How long will this take?

   Santa is like a repair man, says he will be there between 12 and 4 and shows up at 5. What a jerk

   whomever invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a vulcan death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   wishes there was a relationship status that says "not in a relationship, but is not single. Its complicated."

   note to self for next Christmas..... don't leave deer jerky out for Santa - cookies are a better choice...

   forgive your enemys nothing pisses them off more

   my relationship status changed...now it shows I'm "in a relationship with Rocket Pocket"....look forward to pics....