Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says if you want to feel skinny, hang out with a group of fat people.

   because we didn't evolve from CURRENT apes... we evolved from a comman ancestor whose population was split and separated geographically 6 million years ago and evolved in different directions. DUH!

   Bills travel at twice the speed through the post than cheques.

   if we all have underware we like and don't like why don't we throw away the ones we don't like and buy more of the ones we do like.

   thank you for keeping me sober facebook....you are another source of support and you dont have any idea...i check in with friends and it keeps me busy...thank you

   Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

   I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

   I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

   wondering if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

   FACEBOOK + CHRISTMAS = Endless status updates reminding you what month it is. Not to mention pages and pages of people's Xmas pics.

   Idea for a Christmas Party: Have two guys dress as Jesus and Santa Claus. One brings wine the other brings Eggnog with vodka. Santa brings his 12 reindeer playboy bunnies. All at your mother-in-law's house. ONE BIG JINGLE FOR THE YEAR.

   How much horsepower does your horse have?

   my wife cooks more on Café World! then she does here at home at least the the virtual people are eating well

   I remember when the candleshop caught on fire. Everyone just stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

   ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

   A South Korean woman passed her written driving exam on the 950th try, taking the test every day for four years. She then went to a random typewriter and banged out a Shakespearean play.

   Just walked in the shower with my socks on....AGAIN

   I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was thirty, but I wasn't even close. Then I thought maybe by forty, but by forty I had less money than I did when I was thirty.