Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering...have you ever felt like a fire hydrant and all your friends were dogs?

   I'm dreaming of a melty turquoise Christmas. And sugar plums are fighting lesbian dragons in my head. This LSD-nog is fantastic.

   After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.

   : “The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.”

   Girls we love for what they are; men for what they promise to be.

   know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

   When I have kids, I'll teach them about Krampus. That should prevent "naughtiness." Google it.

   Use "can of whup-ass" only, as whup-ass is not sold in jars, squeeze tubes or resealable bags.

   At least Tiger Woods was being truthful when he told his wife every morning that he was off to play 18 holes.

   I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

   What are three wordsTiger woods doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"

   Oompa Loompa, doompadee do, Tiger's got another alleged mistress ... or two?!

   Our local pharmacy was robbed of 60 bottles of Viagara today. Police say the suspect is a hardened criminal.

   Great minds have purposes, others have wishes.

   My first time doing stand up comedy was like losing my virginity: uncomfortable,awkward but I did get alot of laughs!

   Order a pizza from Papa Johns today NATIONWIDE-- they are making a donation to the families of the four fallen police officers in Lakewood (WA) - all pizzas sold on Tuesday, Dec. 8 and Wednesday, Dec. 9. ALL proceeds to a trust for their nine children

   just accidentally started a turf war in his neighbourhood

   the difference in Tiger Woods and Santa is Santa stops at 3 hos.

   considering applying for a job as a news anchor. I already exaggerate stories to the billionth degree every day, but now I can broadcast them to the world!

   Monkeys use sex as a way to end an argument....One of my favorite techniques as well