Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   she is a "case worker". You'd need to drink a case before you work her.

   doesn't think both of the Dr.'s hands belong on my shoulders during the prostate exam.

   two fish, named one, one and the other two.. so if one dies I will still have two. =)

   Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place.

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around.

   swears I would loose my head if it wasn't attached to my body!

   has just realized there's a website that you can search for all the sex offenders that live within 50 km of your postal code, check it out!! www.plentyoffish.com

   wouldn't join any club that would accept him as a member.

   You can never plan the future by the past.

   can ride a bike with no handlebars

   Yes, I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

   singing and dancing around her room in her undies.

   Surely you cant be serious! ---- Oh but I am....And dont call me Shirley

   chose the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

   putting the lotion on its skin, before it gets the hose again.

   got an error on his Windows PC: "Keyboard not found! Press any key to continue"

   How many Susan Boyle's does it take to change a lightbulb? AGHHH, Turn it off, turn it off!!

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   likes to discuss his newest disgusting rash in crowded elevators

   Tim Tebow just signed a 36 million dollar life long contract with kleenex!