Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.

   I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.

   Stop bringing crappy Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came out into the woods to hear Katy Perry.

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

   When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.

   Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”

   I’m going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder, I cannot keep pulling all the weight like this. 😏

   Yeah, you’re made of star stuff, but so is garbage, so calm down.

   Alien: I found this, (picks up cat) it’s vibrating.

   My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.