Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I was head over heels over her. But then I realized it was just because she let me get her heels over her head.

   Follow I'm so desperate for money I'm melting my Goldfish down for cash

   You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching your kids to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

   Can someone tell me where I can return these 12 Drummers Drumming without a receipt? I'm not trying to form an Allman Brothers tribute band for Chrissake.

   Some people don't poop, crap just comes out of their mouth 24/7.

   This world is full of STDs... Sexually Transmitted DRAMA

   A lady called me 'Feckless' and I was forced to admit it - I am totally without Feck.

   Okay Jennifer Hudson we are happy for you that you lost all that extra weight, now can you drop this wanna-be-model business and go back into the studio and make us some music?

   I hate when I'm texting in class and someone stupid screams, "IS That A Phone"

   Im not a Giants fan but I pay NY taxes so I can root for them whenever I want.

   How many people ending a Facebook conversation by liking the last comment.If so like this comment

   If ur Cinco de mayo didnt end wearing a pirate costume bein chased down the street by Dog The Bounty Hunter, then yours wasnt as fun as mine

   Don't tell anyone, but I just farted...lets keep it our little secret.

   To celebrate my 666th tweet I'm going to sacrifice a virgin & bite the head off a chicken. AKA "sex behind KFC"

   .I texted my girlfriend saying who sang 'Party Rock Anthem'. She replied 'LMFAO'. I don't get what's so funny?

   12 Days FB gave to me... 12 Chicks I'm blocking... 11 friends just watching... 10 corny topics.... 9 busted barbies... 8 friends complaining... 7 stalkers stalking... 6 party invites... Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeen

   Fighting for peace is like f^cking for virginity.

   The ones who could afford 1st class on the Malaysian airlines flight, didn't live any longer than those on economy...

   If he doesn't with the Super Bowl this year with the Jets. Rex Ryan asked Bill Belichick to sell him one of his Super Bowl rings. . .

   Dr: I need a urine and stool sample. Me: *hands him my underwear* Dr:...... Me: Its all there.