Funny Status Messages

   Damn you, books on shelves that don't activate a secret door.

   "Hold me." -Grudges

   Why is Monday still a thing?

   I bought my son a pet snake and the salesman said "Be careful those snakes grow up to 20 feet" I said "Shut up...snakes don't grow feet!!!!"

   Don't mind going to work, it's the 8hr wait to go home I hate

   Girl at bar: "I'm the same size I was in college." Me: "Oh, you were a porker back then, too?"

   When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

   why is it the guy who has to pass you, suddenly acts like an 80yr old looking for an address when he's in front of you?

   Bacon: The Duct Tape of the kitchen... it fixes EVERYTHING!

   Doctor: "I have some bad news and some good news." Patient: "Give me the good news first." Doctor: "They're going to name a disease after you."

   Why do people add "just sayin" we know you said it because we can read.

   Since we start counting at one, zero is"countless." Therefore, I have slept with countless girls.

   My girlfriend would be a great success on the Parole Board. She never lets anyone finish a sentence.

   Nothing like a mug full of caffeine and self-hatred topped with an overwhelming amount of regret to start your day.

   CALL OF DUTY. Replacing girlfriends since 2003.

   Girl in new relationship: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL! A week later...after she catches him cheating: THAT NO GOOD &*(^! I'LL NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN! Next day: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL!

   Some people are like trees, they take forever to grow up.

   A disturbing new study finds that studies are disturbing.

   Love? No I prefer vodka

   I just drank a manly Dr. Pepper 10 and now my balls are too big to fit in my pants.