Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...

   Thank you to the Emmy Awards for reminding me why I don't watch television.

   All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

   Welcome to Twitter if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine, one will be assigned to you....

   Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.

   All I’m saying is now might be a good time to check the Paris pawn shops for some good deals on jewelry.

   I want to be something really scary for Halloween. So, for this year, I'm dressing up as 3% phone battery.

   I'm pretty sure I just heard the lady on the Clorox commercial tell me I can use their product to clean up a murder.

   I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.

   My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

   I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.

   If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.

   My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt

   Are we really that bored and stupid as a country that the “Tide Pod Challenge “ is even a thing? Wtf

   I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says, “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going to be there.

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.

   I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.

   I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.

   I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.