Funny Status Messages

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating

Search Messages:

Search results for status messages containing '': View All Messages
Page: 1 of 4

   messageicon When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
←Rate | 03-03-2017 07:07 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”
←Rate | 09-12-2016 08:26 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.
←Rate | 10-17-2016 11:14 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
←Rate | 09-14-2016 12:15 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.
←Rate | 11-04-2016 05:26 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kanye West is said to be recovering well in hospital after an 8 hour operation to remove his head from his ass.
←Rate | 11-23-2016 06:51 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.
←Rate | 09-14-2016 12:15 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kanye West 'hospitalised in Los Angeles'. Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.
←Rate | 11-22-2016 09:17 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
←Rate | 10-22-2016 11:15 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.
←Rate | 12-05-2016 10:36 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”
←Rate | 09-20-2016 07:26 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon After dating for 2 months she wanted to meet my parents. I said baby chill...I waited 9 months to meet my own.
←Rate | 08-02-2016 07:40 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thank God the American Elections are over. Now the rest of the world can go back to hating their own politicians.
←Rate | 11-10-2016 11:10 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
←Rate | 11-05-2016 11:57 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.
←Rate | 09-15-2016 11:35 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?
←Rate | 10-25-2016 02:23 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most …
←Rate | 10-03-2016 14:16 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.
←Rate | 10-03-2016 14:15 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 13:37 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.
←Rate | 10-26-2016 11:51 by Comments (0)  

[Search Results] [View All Messages]
Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left