Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Always carry $40,000 cash on me at all times,, You know,, in case I ever feel like getting a sandwich while I'm in the airport.

   It's been a while,,,,, Has Bono EVER found,,,, What he's looking for?

   A Smart Car would be good on gas, but I'd feel silly wearing it.

   Hunters, you shouldn't wear camo you should dress like cars. Deer will walk toward you and hope you kill them.

   It's cute how "America's Got Talent" focuses on singing & dancing instead of our real talents: overeating & complaining.

   Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel.

   I like my ribs like I like my women. Hot, saucy, and on the bone.

   Some of you are so antiquated in your thinking...that whenever I click on your timeline, I find myself in 2012. BC

   We had a family tree but someone chopped it down and built a bar with it.

   Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge… how the Hell did that get there?

   A homeless man is just a hardcore camper.

   dont try to hold a fart coz it will travel up your spine, to your brain and thats where sh!++y ideas come from

   Sorry to disturb ya'll, but does anybody know where I can apply for a strip club franchise? (asking for a friend).

   Let's talk about Potassium.........K?

   ...but where I come from, rain is a good thing.

   I hear people talking about their lactose intolerance all the time. I guess I could live with that but if I ever developed tequila intolerance life would no longer be worth living.

   Or we could talk about Sodium.......Na.

   Anyone care to discuss Noblium....No??

   The difference between a crooked lawyer and an intrepid chicken is, the chicken clucks defiant.

   I can smell Plutonium a mile away....Pu.