Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feisty & Non compliant, can I get a behavior plan over here?

   Dear Mr Sandman ~ I think you lost my Address!

   Some day's should come with a warning label: Today's gonna suck, so bring alcohol.

   If my ship ever did come in, with my luck, I am pretty sure it would be named the Titanic!

   Tip of the Day: Be nice to midgets. They have short tempers.

   I've yet to see a picture of an Occupy Wall Street protest that didn't make me say, "Hey, that's the guy who delivers my pizza."

   Fear? I grew up in a time when the Russians wanted to nuke us and the Stray Cats wanted to rock our towns inside out.

   Heads up folks. Apparently the little AAA stickers don't count as "proof" of insurance. That is all...

   "Some days, you're the status; others, just a comment."

   i think casinos should add a russian roulette table for those who jus lost everything

   I have a feeling that I'm gonna regret not reading youtubes notification about the new policy

   I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?

   my gastro-intestinal Dr. was named Joe...he looked pissed when he came in the room and I sang ..G.I Joe...

   im happier than a puppy with 2 peters

   go to all your friends status updates and type in... You spelled ANAL wrong.

   someone asked me to be a god parent...i think I would be more like a OMG parent

   just got my girlfriend her valentines day gift.. shes gonna love her "tube of boob lube"

   Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There is nothing like having a midget for a butler.

   You can tell you're a real John Wayne kind of man when it doesn't even matter what color bendy straw you use in your chocolate milk.

   When OBAMA said he is going to get the jobs back from China were the jobs swimming back to America, because it is taking awhile