Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?

   Just went you think it can't get any worse.. Miley, Amy & Katy now refuse to leave. America just can't get a break!

   And they called ME the deplorable....

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.

   Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

   Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.

   Okay, in case we get caught... lets get our stories straight

   I don't remember anything past "we have 60 minutes to drink this keg."

   My ex offered me a ride to the appointment, I declined and politely told her that I didn't think we would both fit on her broom...

   I wish we could all legally divorce Kim Kardashian......

   I always leave a light on when I'm not home so no one accidentally breaks anything while robbing me.

   Lazy is a strong word. I prefer to say that the stars are reaching for me.

   THREE LAWS OF SCIENCE: 1. IF IT SMELLS BAD IT'S CHEMISTRY 2. IF ITS MUSHY IT'S BIOLOGY 3.IF IT DOESNT WORK ITS PHYSICS

   I have to give a speech next week about the link between anxiety and insomnia, I have been up all night thinking about it.

   HoodTranslations101: "Sh*t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughin matter

   There is a big difference between hating you and losing respect for you.

   You know you've been friendzoned if a girl adds you as her brother on Facebook.

   If I'm down on my knees, I'm probably not one who's begging.

   Elmer Fudd knew how to deal with a duck face.