Funny Status Messages

   My goldfish is either planking or dead.

   Good friends will be there with tissues...Best friends will be there with a baseball bat saying " what did they do to you and do I need a shovel?''

   I saw a guy walking through two feet of snow in sub-zero temperatures to get to the florist. He must have really f-cked up.

   Next time someone tells you that you look familiar,tell them you wore a condom!

   Are you always this stupid, OR ARE YOU MAKING A SPECIAL EFFORT TODAY?

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people “Happy Birthday,” ever.

   I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.

   The fact that Sesame Street had to gently remind people, although Bert & Ernie possess many human characteristics, they remain puppets, & do not have a sexual orientation, just reaffirms my long held belief that most people are complete f*cking idiots.

   Ladies: stop getting relationship advice from your bitter, man-hating friend. It's like going to a strip club to find Jesus. She is single for a reason.

   The hurricane is losing strength, damn. I was hoping for a new boat in my front yard.

   And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself: Did I remember to clear my browser history?

   Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama Bear. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear.

   wondering if the special forces soldiers answered "house keeping" when Bin Laden asked "who's there"?

   If you really want something, you will find a way. If you don't, you will find an excuse.

   Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?

   Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend

   I'm not single and I'm not committed... I'm simply on reserve for the one who deserves...

   I avoid making friends by being honest with people

   Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.

   I'm not shy, I'm just really good at figuring out who's worth talking to