Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.

   Thanks to Facebook I met everyone's mother today

   Man, kids really do ask some tough questions. One just came up to me and said “what’s Nicolas Cage’s worst film?” I mean how do you even answer that?

   Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.

   eHarmony just matched me with a gloryhole at a truck stop outside of Billings, Montana. I think this may be the one, guys.

   "And that's why we can't have nice things." *me looking at my pay check

   I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs

   Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit the propeller on the way down.

   still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk

   well how long before we see KC Royals World Series shirts on the news during an ebola segment in Africa. ...

   I wish I had kim kardashans talent of not having any talent and making money off it.

   Really Baileys? Non alcoholic coffee creamers? Is that to recover from the O'Doul's hangover?

   My favorite Disney princess is now Princess Leia.

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   Boss: You can't drink while you're working! Me: Oh, I'm not working.

   All my life I thought air was free.... until I bought a bag of potato chips

   "So You Think You Can Tickle A Polar Bear" is a show that I would love to watch.

   Thanksgiving is for thanking, not shopping..

   I told everybody at work that I've got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.