Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.

   Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.

   It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter

   Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don't know who this woman is but she's my new life coach.

   The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.

   I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. I only have 13 more to go!

   Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?

   I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook It's much clearer now

   Pay attention kids. I'm about to prove nothing good ever comes from getting out of bed.

   Chick called the cops on me cause she opened her closet and I handed her a shirt. This why chivalry is dead

   if I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer couch

   You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"

   I'm happy Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman but I'd be even happier if his stepdaughters transitioned into oblivion

   I'm extremely happy which can only mean that life is going to get real fucky here any minute.

   Exercise, eat right, get good sleep, take your vitamins...die anyway.

   Personal log: "We are not even close."... *-Romans building Rome, end of day 1

   Thanks for the womb and board, Mom!

   I really admire people who exercise. This cake is dedicated to you.

   Now that prom season is over parents can start focusing on what's important like graduation and their daughters next period.

   Man at the dog park: Who's a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL???? Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*